“No kind action ever stops with itself. One kind action leads to another… A single act of kindness throws out roots in all directions, and the roots spring up and make new trees. The greatest work that kindness does to others is that it makes them kind themselves.” ~Amelia Earhart

When you’re having a particularly rough day, it’s tempting to hang your head in defeat and conclude it’s a cruel world where nothing matters. I had a day like that last month.

A good friend was diagnosed with a horrendous disease. The horse I had been training with for years was sold and relocated across the country with almost no notice. A shady car mechanic almost had me convinced to replace four perfectly good tires.

All this in one day.

Yet that’s not all that happened that day.

I also went to the bank to use the cash machine. I hadn’t been to that location in months. When I arrived, there was a security guard outside. I said hello. It seemed like he recognized me as having been there before. I completed my transaction and started walking back toward my car. And that’s when the security guard said, “When’s the next free hug day?”

As it turned out, he remembered me from several months ago when I was wearing a t-shirt with Elmo on the front and the words “free hugs” in big letters. At that time, I had completely forgotten I was wearing that shirt. In fact, I was so caught up in my thoughts that day that I didn’t even notice the security guard standing there until I heard a voice say, “I’ll take you up on that shirt.” That was months ago.

That small act of kindness—a single hug several months ago—had made an impact. I was getting a beautiful reminder of that now.

So when the security guard asked, “When’s the next free hug day?” I immediately snapped out of my defeated state of mind and cheerfully answered “every day,” and we hugged for the second time.

“Thanks, I needed that,” he said. And I guess so did I.

That’s the power of one person. Each of us has within us the potential to make a positive impact on the world.

We don’t need to start a non-profit or donate all our possessions to charity (although those things are awesome) to make a difference. Making a positive difference can happen with our every thought, word, and action—no matter how small.

My interaction with the security guard at the bank was a beautiful reminder that something as small and fleeting as a hug, a smile, or a kind word can have a profound and lasting effect.

“There’s no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.” ~Scott Adams

The truth is, we’ll never know just how far the ripples of one small kindness extend. Maybe that initial hug with the security guard months ago put him in a more lighthearted mood for the rest of the day, which influenced how he interacted with his family that evening, which in turn influenced their actions and outlook the next day, and so on, and so on.

Maybe the second hug reminded him that the world is full of friendly people, and all that it takes is a tiny, initial gesture to break the ice.

“The very nature of kindness is to spread. If you are kind to others, today they will be kind to you, and tomorrow to somebody else.” ~Sri Chinmoy

Although we can never know just how far the goodness of one kind act can spread to others, what we can experience firsthand are the effects a kind act has on ourselves. Studies have repeatedly shown that the person doing the kind act receives as much benefit to their mood and outlook as does the receiver—oftentimes even more so.

What’s more amazing is that this double benefit is not limited to our kind words and deeds. It applies to our thoughts as well.

That’s right. Our thoughts are powerful. The quality and quantity of our thoughts affect our physical, mental, and emotional health.

That’s why things like the placebo effect work. If we wholeheartedly believe the sugar pill the doctor gives us is a powerful medicine to help what ails us, our body will respond according to that belief. Our thoughts directly influence how our body functions.

Our thoughts also extend out to others.

Because thoughts, like everything else, are energy, they are broadcast nonstop, twenty-four hours a day, to everyone and everything around us. That’s why things like distant healing and prayer groups can promote healing and positive change. When two or more people synchronize and focus their thoughts, the positive effects are magnified.

Even in our day-to-day activities, our thoughts have an impact on others. Although we may not be able to read the mind of the sales clerk who approaches us in the store, for instance, on some level we can feel them.

Our body senses the energy fields of others.

That’s how we are able to get an immediate sense of someone when we meet them for the first time. Even before either person says a word, we receive an energetic impression of that person. Whether that first impression is positive or negative has a lot to do with their (and our) thoughts.

We live in an interconnected, interdependent universe. My interaction with the security guard at the bank that day was a beautiful reminder of this.

So, while we may often feel alone or distracted in this increasingly busy world, it is empowering to realize we can connect with anyone, anywhere, with our thoughts, our words, and our actions. All it takes is intention and attention. That’s how powerful we are.

We can set an intention to embody kindness and compassion and be a positive force in the world. Then we can give it attention by regularly monitoring our thoughts to ensure they are in alignment with our intention to be the best version of ourselves.

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“Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.” –William Arthur Ward

The holiday season generally brings us closer to people. Sometimes that closeness reminds us how much we love each other. Sometimes it reminds us that we drive each other crazy, as family often does.

At the heart of it, Thanksgiving in particular calls us to see people with the deepest appreciation for the gifts they’ve given us. Some gifts are more immediately obvious than others—the type that come with praise, affection, and genuine esteem.

Others push us, stretch us, test us, and make us wonder if there’s anything to be grateful for at all.

There’s no denying that certain relationships are more challenging than others, but through each we have an opportunity to grow and help others do the same. Every relationship teaches us something about loving, trusting, forgiving, setting boundaries, taking care of ourselves, and taking care of each other.

From the people who love you, to the people who challenge you, to the people who support you at work, here’s how to show your gratitude.

Show Gratitude to People Who Love You

1. Share a specific example of something they did for you and how it made a difference in your life.

2. Do something little but thoughtful for them—like clean up after Thanksgiving dinner!

3. Give a long, intimate hug; or if you know they don’t like hugs, stick out your hand for a handshake to cater to their preferences and make them smile.

4. Tell them you’re there if they have anything they want to talk about—and let them know they have your full attention.

5. Give them something of yours that you think they would enjoy, and let them know specifically why you want them to have it.

6. Invite them to do something you know they’ve always wanted to do.

7. Encourage them to try something you know they want to try but haven’t yet because they’re scared.

8. Offer to do something you know they don’t enjoy doing, like organizing their closet or mowing their lawn.

9. Compliment them on a talent, skill, or strength that you admire.

10. Look them straight in the eyes and say, “You make the world a better place.”

Show Gratitude to People Who Challenge You

11. Fully listen to what they have to say instead of forming your rebuttal in your head and waiting to speak.

12. Thank them for introducing you to a new way to look at things, even if you still don’t agree.

13. Pinpoint something you admire about their commitment to their beliefs—even if you don’t hold them as well.

14. Resist the urge to tell them they’re wrong.

15. Challenge them right back to be the best they can be, with love and positive intentions.

16. If they inspired you to push outside your comfort zone, thank them for inspiring you to take a risk, and let them know how it paid off.

17. Write a blog post about how they helped you see things differently and dedicate it to them.

18. Use the lesson this person teaches you through your interactions, whether it’s patience, compassion, or courage.

19. Introduce them to someone who may challenge them and help them grow, as they’ve done for you.

20. Let them know how you appreciate when they challenge you in a loving, non-confrontational way—and if they don’t do that, be calm and kind when you ask them to do that going forward.

Show Gratitude to People Who Serve You

21. Give a larger tip than usual.

22. If they have a tip jar, include a thoughtful note of appreciation along with your coins or bills.

23. Smile when you order or enlist their assistance. Smiles are contagious, so give one away!

24. If they serve you regularly, acknowledge something they always do well—like work efficiently or stay calm under pressure.

25. Exhibit patience, even if you’re in a hurry.

26. Let their supervisor know they do an outstanding job.

27. Keep their workplace clean—for example, at a coffee shop, clean up after yourself at the sugar stand.

28. Offer to get a coffee for them, if it’s someone working in or outside your home.

29. If you have their contact information, send an email of appreciation—and let them know you just wanted to express your gratitude, so they don’t need to write back.

30. Praise them in a review on Yelp and/or recommend them to people you know.

Show Gratitude to People Who Work with You

31. Write a handwritten thank-you note, acknowledging things you value about them and their work.

32. Offer to lighten their workload in some way if you are able.

33. Bring back lunch for them if you know they’re working hard and likely haven’t had a chance to grab something.

34. If you’re running a meeting, keep it short to show them you appreciate and respect their time.

35. Ask them about their lives instead of always being all business. This doesn’t mean you need to pry into personal matters; it just means showing an interest in who they are as people.

36. Be the calm, light voice in a stressful situation.

37. Give them flowers to brighten their desk.

38. Let their boss know how they’re doing a great job and contributing to the company.

39. Listen fully if they’re having a difficult day, and recognize if they need space to figure things out on their own, not advice or help.

40. Remember that the little things can make a big difference!

Show Gratitude for Yourself

41. Make a list of ways you’ve impressed yourself lately.

42. Treat yourself to something you enjoy, like a pedicure or a massage.

43. If someone compliments you, thank them and let them know you’re proud of that skill, talent, or accomplishment.

44. Compliment yourself—say it while looking in the mirror, write it in a journal, or jot it on a sticky note and put it on your refrigerator.

45. Give yourself time to enjoy a passion you’re sometimes too busy to fit in.

46. Take an inventory of all the good things you’ve done for other people and the world.

47. Write yourself a love letter. Seriously, start with “Dear Lori” (but insert your own name) and describe all the things you admire about yourself.

48. Let go of any conditions you have for being kind to yourself—meaning you appreciate even if you didn’t accomplish or do anything specific.

49. Schedule a date with yourself—an afternoon or evening that’s all about you.

50. Share the beauty that is you with the people around you, knowing they’re fortunate to have you in their lives.

I am fortunate to have you in mine. You make the world a better place!

**If this post seems familiar, it’s because it’s an older one that I’m assuming is new to many of you. I decided to re-share this today to lighten my load while visiting my family for Thanksgiving. Tomorrow we’ll return to newly published posts!

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“The only thing you sometimes have control over is perspective. You don’t have control over your situation. But you have a choice about how you view it.” ~Chris Pine

I had a happy, carefree childhood up until a point. I remember lots of giggles, hugs, and playfulness. One summer, as we were sitting in my grandmother’s yard enjoying her homemade cake, my mum’s right hand started trembling.

My worried grandmother encouraged her to eat, but her hand continued to tremble. I remember her troubled look. She must have sensed something was wrong.

Just three months later, she was gone. Acute leukemia meant that on Monday she received the results of a worrying blood test, on Wednesday she was admitted to the hospital, and by Friday she had died. I was only ten years old.

My aunt broke the news to us that Friday afternoon by saying, “Your mum has gone to the sky.”

If I were to explain what the news of her passing felt like, I would say it was like being hit by lightning. I’ve read that in cases of sudden death, children can stay stuck in some sort of confusing reality: They hear what happened and react to the news, but they don’t quite comprehend it. Somehow, deep inside, they don’t really believe it.

In my case, and for years following my mum’s death, I thought that she had gone to the sky, but that she would come back. It was just a trip, or a bad joke.

She would most definitely come back.

As you might be guessing, I did not get much support in dealing with my grief. On the contrary, the message I got was that life should go on. That a page had turned, but the preceding pages weren’t worth reading.

This is also how all the adults around me acted. So, even though lightning had struck me, I simply stood up and continued to walk, despite all the invisible damage it had done.

The wake-up call to locate that damage and try to repair it came years later when I started experiencing health issues that my doctors said were linked to chronic stress. That’s when I finally decided to face my grief. My young adult body was giving me a clear sign: There were too many unprocessed emotions, desperately needing to find a way out.

Once I allowed myself to finally feel that my heart had been shattered in a million pieces, I started putting those pieces together and redefining who I was.

If my life were a book, grief would be the longest chapter. When I meet someone for the first time, I almost feel like saying, “Hi, I’m Annie, and my mum suddenly died when I was ten.” That’s how much it defines who I am.

Negatively, you might think.

Indeed, her absence still causes tremendous pain. I never felt this more than when I had my own children a few years ago. Becoming a mother does not mean that you stop being a daughter who needs her mother. You also become a mother who would like her children to have a grandmother.

My mother is not there to spoil my daughters, and they will never get to know her. There is no one I can ask to find out how I was as a baby. She isn’t there to listen to my worries or fears while I navigate parenthood.

I still get a ping in my heart when I see ten-year-old girls with their mums, seeing myself in them and re-living the immensity of such a loss. And as I am approaching the age she was when she died, I’m terrified that I will share the same fate and that my girls will grow up without me.

Nevertheless—and I know this might sound contradictory, but aren’t grief and life full of contradictions?—in many ways, her absence has also been a gift.

Thanks to her:

–I fully embrace the idea “live every day as if it is your last” because I know that there is a very real possibility that this day might indeed be my very last. While you might think this means living life with fear, quite the opposite is true. It means living life full of appreciation, gratitude, and love for this body that is still functioning, for the people around me, and for life itself.

–I choose to be truly present with my children and close ones and cherish deep relationships because I want to make the time we spend together count. If the memories we are creating are shorter for whatever reason, let them be powerful.

–I have a job that gives me a deep sense of purpose and meaning because anything else would make me feel like I am wasting precious time that I don’t necessarily have. I’m honored to be making a difference in other people’s lives by helping them think differently about their lives and helping them through their own grief. I make it my goal to share my gifts with the world while I live on this planet.

–I am (relatively) comfortable with the challenges that life throws at me. When you survive after the tragedy of losing a parent, you don’t sweat the small stuff as much. I still find myself getting upset by little things like anyone else, but I’m able to quickly change my perspective and realize that many of the things that upset us are not as important as we first think.

–I know that I cannot control life because life is utterly uncontrollable. In fact, I was a control freak for years, trying to make sure nothing tragic would ever happen to me or my loved ones again, until I realized that this was a reaction to my mum’s passing. I now know this isn’t a way to live life, and that is liberating.

–I take care of my health to feel good in my body, not because I want to live until I’m 100, but because I want to live well. I don’t want my days to be filled with the common ailments that people usually accept, such as headaches, brain fog, or digestive issues. I can only enjoy life fully if my body is allowing me to do so.

If you have experienced early loss but cannot possibly imagine feeling anything positive about it, there is nothing wrong with you. I am sharing my story to perhaps inspire you or even give you comfort.

Perhaps all you can do right now is stay open to the possibility that at some point in your life, you might be able to see things in a similar way. Ultimately, the path of grief is entirely unique.

Would I wish early loss on anyone? Never.

Has grief made me happier? Perhaps.

Has it made me wiser? Definitely.

Just as a friend once told me, “You can’t appreciate light without the shadows.”

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“What you resist not only persists but will grow in size.” ~Carl Jung

Ever since I was diagnosed with Lupus at the age of five, my life has felt like a never-ending struggle against fatigue, pain, and a myriad of symptoms. Despite trying numerous treatments and medications when I was younger, I never felt truly vibrant. My body seemed perpetually at war with itself, leaving me exhausted and unfulfilled.

Multiple flares often took me away from school and friends. I wondered why I couldn’t just live a childhood free of pain and suffering, like the other kids.

I struggled with wanting things to be a certain way and feeling a loss of control, which just catapulted me right into trying to control everything around me, leading to more distress and flaring my symptoms.

It was a vicious cycle.

Over the years, I clung to various diets and therapies, hoping to find relief. I tried all the diets and countless lifestyle changes. It felt like it had to be all or nothing. If I wasn’t doing it right 100% of the time, then it wasn’t going to work.  But no matter what I did, the relief was always temporary, and my health issues continued to overwhelm me.

The pandemic pushed me to a breaking point, intensifying my symptoms and bringing severe ringing in my ears and debilitating dizziness. It was a wake-up call, a moment of clarity where I recognized that I could no longer continue battling my body in the same way. I knew I needed a different approach to truly heal.

I found myself at a crossroads.

If what I was doing wasn’t working, what if everything I critiqued, ridiculed, and judged was exactly where I needed to go? And exactly the medicine I needed?

I realized it was time to address my emotions and subconscious beliefs. Even if it didn’t get me anywhere or I still decided it wasn’t for me, I could always walk away from it. I had to be willing to try, because clearly this way of living was keeping me in pain, fatigued, miserable, and unhappy.

I discovered that healing wasn’t solely about managing symptoms; it was about transforming my entire approach to life and how I viewed my condition. The turning point came when I realized that resisting my condition only made it persist and grow. By embracing all that I was resisting—both my condition itself and the emotions that often triggered it—things started to open up.

Breaking Free from Stagnation

Stagnation often stems from clinging to familiar patterns that no longer serve us. The comfort of the known and the fear of the unknown can trap us in cycles of merely managing symptoms without achieving real progress. Recognizing when we are stuck is crucial; it requires the courage to step outside these patterns and embrace change.

On my journey, I found myself clinging to overthinking and rationalizing instead of just feeling my feelings of fear, anxiety, and insecurity. This kept me stuck in a spiral of thoughts without ever taking any action. I also noticed that I was very critical of others and recognized that this was a sign of how critical I was being with myself.

Often, breaking free from stagnation comes at a rock-bottom moment in our lives, when we can admit to ourselves that our normal mode of doing things just. Isn’t. Working! These rock-bottom moments often bring a deep awareness into our lives where our current state in life comes into crystal clear focus. This awareness may be the catalyst for change, but how do you keep the momentum going?

Building your muscle of awareness and weaving that into your life and all that you do is the key.

To break free, start by evaluating your current routines, habits, and patterns of thought. Are they truly helping, or are they just familiar routines that provide only temporary relief? Are they just soothing activities so you can tell yourself you are doing something while keeping yourself stuck on the hamster wheel?

Observing your thoughts and behaviors without judgment will allow you to be a witness to yourself and make changes without attachment.

In my own journey, as I built awareness, I found a key aspect to success was to meet myself where I was. It is easy to fool ourselves into thinking we need to change overnight or to want results immediately. But pushing for this just keeps us stuck longer and removes any joy we may get from the journey.

On my own journey, I found that being present and feeling grateful in the small moments was key—like taking a breath over a lovely cup of matcha, or simply enjoying the warm breeze on my face. When it all felt overwhelming, I could come back to the present and appreciate whatever I was doing in that moment. I still find great comfort in these small moments.

It’s not about perfection, but progress. The more fun and curiosity we can have, and the more we move toward that which truly inspires us, the easier and faster we will evolve and heal.

The Power of the Subconscious Mind

Our subconscious beliefs shape our reality far more than we often realize. When we resist acknowledging the role of our subconscious, we may inadvertently reinforce limitations and barriers to our healing. By exploring and reprogramming these deep-seated beliefs, we can start breaking free from self-imposed limitations.

For instance, if you see yourself as a chronic illness patient, this identity can persistently shape your experience and interactions. Shifting your self-perception to that of a vibrant and capable individual can transform how you engage with the world and yourself. Easier said than done, I know; I’ve been there. But the more you work on identifying, uprooting, and reclaiming what you want to believe, the easier the transformation will become.

As my identity evolved from being a victim of illness to a vibrant individual, my healing process accelerated, and life opened up in even more ways than I had ever dreamed of. I was more connected with loved ones around me and more empathetic, and dreams I had desired for ages were suddenly appearing in my life without effort.

Finding Safety in the Body

In many circles of healing, they talk about the power of mindfulness and meditation. I have a deep respect for these modalities, and they have their place in a healing journey—mine included.

When I discovered somatic work, a form of therapy that uses mind-body techniques to help people release stress, trauma, and tension, it felt like my healing unlocked. For years, I felt as though my body was a battleground, constantly waging war against itself. This persistent sense of threat and discomfort made it difficult to heal effectively.

Finding, exploring, and embracing feelings of safety and trust in my body allowed me to address not just the symptoms but the root causes of my distress. Engaging in somatic work—focusing on feeling to process and then release emotions stored in my body—was transformative, magical even. This approach helped me understand that healing involves both mental and somatic dimensions.

By creating a sense of security and comfort within myself, I was able to support my body’s natural healing processes more effectively. Embracing the nonlinear nature of healing, understanding that progress comes in waves, and finding peace in my body were crucial for moving from mere survival to a state of thriving.

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Reflecting on my journey, I realize that true healing from chronic illness demands more than just managing symptoms—it requires a fundamental shift in how we approach life.

My battle with Lupus taught me that resisting my condition only made it persist, while embracing change allowed me to find real progress. By breaking free from stagnation, reprogramming my subconscious beliefs, and finding safety within my body, I discovered a transformative path to well-being.

Ultimately, this journey showed me that healing is a dynamic, non-linear process involving both mind and body. Embracing these insights allowed me to move from mere survival to thriving with renewed vitality and joy. The path to healing, though not without its ups and downs, proved that embracing what we resist can lead us to exactly that which we most desire.

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“Narcissism is voluntary blindness, an agreement not to look beneath the surface.” ~Sam Keen

Have you ever found yourself wondering, “Am I the narcissist in this relationship?” If so, you’re not alone. This question can feel heavy and unsettling, especially if you’ve spent years tangled in a toxic dynamic. The more you try to figure things out, the more confusing it becomes.

But here’s something to hold onto: The very fact that you’re asking this question is a sign that you probably aren’t narcissistic.

Am I the Narcissist?

Victims of narcissistic abuse often find themselves questioning their actions, replaying conversations, and overanalyzing their behavior. Meanwhile, the real narcissist rarely, if ever, stops to consider whether they might be at fault.

Why? Because self-reflection is not in their nature. Narcissists are too wrapped up in protecting their fragile egos and carefully crafted personas to even entertain the idea that they might be the problem.

So, if you’ve been second-guessing yourself, it’s time to stop. The very act of self-reflection shows that you’re capable of empathy and accountability—two traits a true narcissist lacks.

My Story

Throughout our thirty-year marriage, my ex-husband would, out of nowhere, accuse me of cheating. It was absurd. I wasn’t cheating—never had, never would. But time and again, he’d cast doubt on my every move, picking apart my behavior as if it were proof of something sinister. Each confrontation left me baffled. I wasn’t having an affair—I didn’t even have the time or energy for that!

So why would the man I loved constantly question my loyalty?

I convinced myself it had to be my fault. Maybe I wasn’t doing enough as a wife, and that’s why he felt so insecure, so suspicious of me.

At the time, I had no idea I was married to a narcissist. I didn’t understand how narcissists operate, or how they twist reality. More importantly, I didn’t realize how they manipulate you into believing that you’re the problem, not them.

“Mirror, Mirror on the Wall… Am I Perfect After All?”

Narcissists have their own version of the enchanted mirror from Snow White—only, instead of seeking the truth, their mirror feeds them the comforting lie they desperately want to hear: “You’re perfect, flawless, and never at fault.”

This is where narcissistic behavior thrives. While you’re stuck analyzing your every move, they’re busy basking in the reflection of their own grandiosity.

More Than Being Self-Centered

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) isn’t just about someone being self-centered. It’s a deep-rooted personality disorder defined by traits like an inflated sense of self-importance, a desperate need for admiration, and a shocking lack of empathy. Narcissists wear masks of confidence, but underneath, they’re terrified of facing any feelings of inadequacy.

So why don’t they ask, “Am I the narcissist?”

They Can’t Handle the Truth

The truth is, they can’t handle the answer. Their egos are protected by layers of defense mechanisms—denial, projection, and a refusal to accept responsibility. Admitting they might be flawed would shatter the fragile image they’ve built, and that’s not something a narcissist is willing to risk.

Meanwhile, people like you—who have empathy and care deeply about relationships—are naturally prone to self-reflection. You take accountability for your actions and genuinely want to improve, which is exactly why you’re asking yourself tough questions. And while you’re busy looking in the mirror wondering what you can do better, the narcissist? Well, they’ve already convinced themselves they’re the fairest of them all.

A Truth Revealed

Eventually, I uncovered the ugly truth—my ex-husband wasn’t just accusing me out of insecurity; he was projecting his own guilt. He had cheated on me--multiple times. In fact, over fifty times.

In his twisted logic, he’d convinced himself that if he could pin an affair on me, it would somehow clear his conscience. But when his accusations didn’t stick, he switched tactics, offering up three audacious claims:

1. His cheating was my fault because I didn’t satisfy him.
2. I should be grateful he “only” cheated physically, and never emotionally.
3. I needed to stay quiet about it because everyone would just blame me anyway (he was just looking out for me, of course).

What didn’t I hear? An apology. Not even close.

Instead, I was bombarded with deflections, denials, and outright lies.

He tried to flip the narrative—suddenly, I was the bad guy. According to him, I was the narcissist because I couldn’t see how “wonderful” he was. I was being stubborn for staying angry when forgiveness, in his eyes, was the obvious solution. And his lies? They were all to protect me, because, of course, he was such a “great” person.

Classic narcissist move.

The Narcissist’s Tactics: Dodging Responsibility Like a Pro

Narcissists are experts at shifting the blame, turning the tables, and making you question your reality. When things start to fall apart, they’ll do anything to avoid being the “bad guy,” and instead, they’ll paint you as the problem. Let’s break down some of their go-to tactics:

Projection: “You’re the one who’s selfish!”

Narcissists often accuse you of the very behavior they’re guilty of. It’s called projection, and it works to distract you from their faults while making you feel responsible. You might hear things like:

• “You’re so controlling!”
• “All you care about is yourself!”
• “You’re the one who’s toxic, not me!”

This clever tactic puts you on the defensive, and before you know it, you’re questioning your own behavior instead of seeing theirs for what it is.

My narcissist projected his own guilt onto me, twisting reality to fit his narrative. He even had the audacity to “forgive” me—just in case I had cheated and wasn’t confessing to it. In his mind, he was the noble one, magnanimously overlooking my imagined sins, while I was painted as the villain. He created an alternate reality where he was the hero and I was the problem.

Blame Shifting: “I wouldn’t act this way if you didn’t push me!”

Blame shifting is another favorite tool. Narcissists twist situations to make their reactions seem like your fault. They’ll say things like:

• “If you didn’t make me so mad, I wouldn’t have yelled.”
• “I only lied because you wouldn’t understand.”
• “You always make me act this way.”

By blaming you for their behavior, they avoid taking responsibility and leave you feeling guilty for things you didn’t cause. Narcissists blur the lines between what’s right and wrong, often making you feel like you can’t do anything right.

My ex-husband didn’t just blame me for his cheating—he actually tried to twist the situation so he could get praise for his behavior.

During therapy, we uncovered that he was addicted to porn, and that addiction warped his entire view of what a healthy relationship should look like. Once the label of “addict” was slapped on him, he leaned into it, casting himself as the real victim and expecting me to be more understanding and accepting of his choices.

Even now, he refuses to take any responsibility. Instead, he continues to shift the blame onto me, parading his addiction as an excuse while claiming victimhood.

Emotional Manipulation: “You’re the reason this relationship is falling apart.”

Narcissists love to emotionally manipulate you into feeling like you’re responsible for every problem in the relationship. They’ll use guilt and shame to keep you doubting yourself. Expect phrases like:

• “I’m trying my best, but you keep ruining everything.”
• “This is all on you. I’ve done nothing wrong.”
• “If you don’t change, this will never work.”

By making you feel overly responsible, they deflect attention from their own toxic behavior and keep you stuck in a cycle of self-blame. Narcissists train you to question yourself so often that it becomes second nature.

After enduring narcissistic abuse, it’s no wonder you’re left feeling confused and full of self-doubt. Narcissists are masters at eroding your sense of self, making it hard to trust your own judgment.

When my narcissist first cautioned me not to share the news that he was a cheater, I was drowning so thoroughly in his contrived world that I believed the lie that other people would blame me for his cheating. How messed up is that?

Clear Signs You’re Not a Narcissist

Self-Awareness

You recognize when something is wrong, and you’re willing to reflect on your words, thoughts, and actions. Narcissists, on the other hand, never admit fault.

Empathy

You genuinely care about others’ feelings and how your behavior impacts them. Narcissists lack this trait entirely.

Willingness to Change

You’re open to feedback and want to grow. A narcissist resists any form of personal growth or accountability.

Time to Stop Questioning and Start Healing

It’s time to put the doubts to rest and start focusing on your healing. You’ve spent too long in the shadow of someone else’s manipulation, but now it’s your turn to reclaim your sense of self.

1. Recognize the manipulation.

Acknowledge that the doubts and self-blame you feel are the result of narcissistic tactics, not reality.

2. Rebuild your self-esteem.

Start setting healthy boundaries and practicing self-compassion. You are worthy of kindness—from others and, most importantly, from yourself.

3. Seek support.

Don’t be afraid to reach out to a therapist or a support group. Surround yourself with people who validate your experience and can guide you through your healing process.

The very fact that you’re reflecting, questioning, and growing means you are not the narcissist. You deserve to trust yourself and live free from self-doubt. Start rebuilding your life, and remember—healing is not only possible, but you are already on your way.

I Am Not a Narcissist!

After years of living in the shadow of my ex-husband’s narcissistic abuse, I’ve finally stepped into the light—reclaiming my self-confidence piece by piece. It wasn’t easy. It took time, energy, and relentless effort, but I got here by following three crucial steps: recognizing, rebuilding, and reaching out.

First, I recognized the manipulation for what it was. Then, I began the long process of rebuilding my shattered sense of self. But the most important part? I reached out. My friends and therapists became lifelines, helping me see the truth and guiding me toward healing.

Now, it’s your turn.

Time to Believe in Yourself

If you’ve been asking yourself, “Am I the narcissist?” it’s a strong indication that you are not. It’s time to trust yourself again. You’ve been through the emotional wringer, but now you have the chance to reclaim your confidence and rebuild your self-worth.

Healing from narcissistic abuse is a journey, but every step you take brings you closer to a life free from manipulation and self-doubt. Remember, you are not the problem—you are capable of change, growth, and, ultimately, healing.

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