“Turn off your email; turn off your phone; disconnect from the Internet; figure out a way to set limits so you can concentrate when you need to and disengage when you need to. Technology is a good servant but a bad master.” ~Gretchen Rubin We live in truly extraordinary times. Where once letters and telegrams took days to reach the other side of the world, we can now send messages and emails at the push of a button; and social media has allowed us to connect with people from diverse backgrounds, helping us learn, grow, and aim for the stars. The advancements in technology and science have afforded us such a vast array of benefits that it’s hard to argue with their cons. Yet our relationships, the very fabric of human existence, have deteriorated proportionately with the rise of technology and its increasing usage in daily life. We now need reminders to disconnect ourselves from smart phones, tablets, PCs, and all sorts of gadgetry in order to just make time for ourselves to rest and tune out from the information overload. Photographs of families gathered around the dining table, intently looking into their smart phones, might make for amusing viewing (and a fantastic photo essay), but they paint a picture that is not far from reality. We’re so tuned into our virtual world these days that parents and children often have chats over DMs, SMS, or social media, even if they’re sitting in the next room, and sometimes right next to each other. People have the time to ‘Instagram’ their fancy dinners or take quick selfies, as if it were second nature, but no one seems to have the time, patience, or inclination to reach out to those who’ve been with us all along, through our highs and lows. It could be the parents who we’ve left behind in our small towns in pursuit of our dream career; it could be friends we’ve known since childhood but haven’t bothered asking about, simply because we fell out of touch; it could be that neighbor or teacher at school who always looked out for us; it could be someone going through a struggle in their life who needs our support, though they haven’t voiced it, because we’re captivated no longer by people present around us but by technology. When I was growing up, both my parents were working, as was the case in most working-class households; my time was spent between a daycare center, school, and home, where quality time with my parents was at a premium. However, the early nineties were relatively gadget-free. There were no phone calls after work and no email checking all the time; nine-to-five shifts seemed quite productive, and no one was carrying work back home on a laptop. So, when we gathered together around the table at dinnertime, we were very much present; distractions were far fewer, and no one was posing with a phone to photograph our food or post it online. We didn’t fret over the possibility of presidents and leaders starting a WW3 on Twitter or spend time researching which crazy selfie pose would garner us more Facebook likes. I remember sending handwritten letters to my cousins just to stay in touch and waiting expectantly for Christmas cards during the holidays. There were simple joys to be had, even in the mundane. We share so much over social media—our favorite foods, brands, clothes, and lifestyle choices—and there’s so much visual information overload that we end up believing everything we see and read in the media. We live in the era of fake news; we’re slowly but surely losing our ability to stay in touch with reality and discern what’s true and not. What we see online about other people’s lives becomes our unconscious standard for how things should be in our own lives. We’re losing touch with ourselves and our truth. You don’t have to keep up with the Kardashians; you have to keep up with your own inner circle of loved ones. The virtual world is fascinating; you can choose to be who you want to be, and people are going to believe what you put out there even if you do not bear any resemblance to your online persona in real life. The communication is often impersonal—surface conversations that spare you the hassle of emotions, of feeling deeply. It’s easier to be lost in virtual space than to confront harsh realities. Two hundred thousand followers on Twitter or a million subscribers to a website do not necessarily translate into the same number of trustworthy relationships you can bank on. Sure, you can campaign successfully for a social good fundraiser with that many followers, but can you count on them during a time of personal crisis? Many people view the virtual space as an escape from reality, which is not only damaging our emotional development but is also detrimental to our relationships in the real world. While there is that resounding minority that has managed to forge meaningful friendships online and has benefited from professional associations through networking, personal relationships have undergone a transformation of sorts. The online world has become our confessional, our confidante, and our record keeper. Isn’t it ironic then that, despite having everything at the click of a mouse or an app, we’re hardly able to communicate, share, and confide openly within our own families? When was the last time you had a heart-to-heart with your own spouse, kids, siblings, or parents? Does connecting with them deeply have to wait till Thanksgiving, Christmas, date nights, or summer holidays when you can do this just as easily every day? Sometimes, you may not even have anything new to share, but those are the times you can let them know how much they mean to you. When it comes down to needing an encouraging hug, you still need a human in your non-virtual reality. We should be living in a way that doesn’t make relationships with our loved ones subject to our busy schedules. We shouldn’t need reminders to make time for those closest to us, be they members of our household, parents, siblings, or friends. Most of us have the time (or can make the time!) to engage in friendly banter and entertain ourselves with every piece of media, news, or gossip online; however, we find it challenging to direct this enthusiasm to our relationships at home or with those we’re emotionally close with that physically live far from us. This is part of the reason why more and more people are looking online for ways to cope with personal struggles—because there’s no one at home or in their immediate environment who has time to hear them out. There’s no doubt that the interconnectedness and shared information we have access to in the virtual space is a boon and that social media and networking have afforded us amazing connections as we walk forward with a collective consciousness. But let’s not lose sight of the people and relationships we’ve built our lives’ foundations with. No one’s too busy to make time for another. Make time for your loved ones by disconnecting from your virtual world. Your smartphone isn’t going to die if it doesn’t hear from you. But your parents may be disheartened that they no longer receive a phone call from their beloved child except on a major holiday; and your kids and spouse may miss telling you the things they so badly want to share because you’re too busy scrolling on your phone. Though we can absolutely forge deep bonds online, it’s crucial that we don’t lose our connection to the people right in front of us. Here are a few steps to help you connect meaningfully with the people in your life more often. 1. If you’re on multiple social media platforms, streamline and bring the number of platforms you actively use down to three. If you’re super crunched for time, use these platforms alternatively throughout the week. Schedule time for social media but cut out unnecessary browsing. 2. Clear out unwanted apps from your smartphone so that you have fewer things to distract you. Call it an app spring cleaning. 3. Read up on productivity-boosting tips or time management so that you’re better equipped to give everyone in your family your undivided attention. 4. Have your dinner with the television off, disconnected from the Internet. If that’s the only time you and your family have together, make the most of it. 5. Make time for some sort of spiritual practice that you and your family can engage in before you retire for the night. It could be praying, meditating, reading/sharing a reflection, or reciting a positive affirmation or an expression of gratitude for the day. You do not have to be religious to be engaged in a spiritual practice! 6. Volunteer for a social good project in your local community with your friends, siblings, or family. 7. Take up any group hobby that doesn’t require staying online—like cooking, painting, or dancing… the list can go on. 8. Plan a picnic and get together regularly in an outdoor environment close to nature. Spending more time in nature is known to be soothing and relaxing, and it makes it easier to switch off your phone! 9. Lost touch with friends living far away? Don’t succumb to the easy route by sending a message over SMS, Whatsapp, or email. Jot down your favorite memory and send a postcard. Or, if you have more time on your hands, an old-fashioned letter would be absolutely delightful. 10. Flowers have a way of conveying a whole lot of things without saying much—even a hand-tied bunch of wildflowers. And they’re known to perk up even the most insipid of days. If you feel anyone is in need of a gesture like that, send them a bunch and make them smile! 11. Return to the joys of simple living with people you love: wake up early to watch the sunrise; walk on wet grass or the sandy shorelines of a beach; inhale the aroma of freshly baked bread or the scent of flowers in a vase; write ‘thank you’ notes often; be mesmerized by the skies at night—look for the constellations, the shooting stars, and the moon. There’s a lot of joy to be had when you disconnect from technology! -- For our relationships to thrive, we must learn to prioritize both our own well-being and that of our loved ones. When you’re giving them the time and attention they need, they’ll feel more loved and confident about themselves, something no one can get through technology alone. We need to return to the basics of human loving, caring, and sharing. Unplug from your devices and plug yourself into the healing power of stronger, deeper relationships. About Andrea JohnsonAndrea Johnson is a non-profit consultant, a sustainable fashion advocate, and an aspiring writer. She is passionate about sustainability, social enterprises, inclusion, and accessibility. You can find her tweeting at @Andrea_rosej. Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site. “New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings.” ~Lao Tzu Sailing on a beautiful day in calm seas can feel like a spiritual experience and can convince your senses that life should always be like this. My family life was smooth sailing for many years. My husband and I were committed to our family and our responsibilities of building and running our businesses, leaving little time for anything else. Gradually, the weather changed, and we found ourselves in the uncharted, turbulent waters of divorce. I was unprepared for the toll it would take. My anxiety caused me to lose weight, and when I felt hypo-glycemic, it was my body’s reminder to nourish myself. I was scared about what life would look like for my three daughters and me and wanted the best for my husband, even though we decided we could not remain together. Living separately, we grew to learn how to do things we depended on each other for, such as financial management, cooking, DIY home repairs, etc. We lost some friends, and some family estrangements developed—a ripple effect we didn’t see coming. When you lose friends and family members due to divorce or estrangement, it can make you question your worth and stirs up self-doubt. Years pass, and life goes on. Eventually, we both remarried, and a few years later, my new husband, Bill, was told he had throat cancer. His treatments whittled down his hard-earned military physique to a shadow of his former self. During this time, as his caregiver, I was also preparing to take a board exam to practice my profession, and I worked as a science teacher in an alternative school to help make ends meet. The days were incredibly long and hard for both of us. Within that year, my father was diagnosed with cancer, which further destroyed our family. His treatments were equally brutal to his body. Eventually, Bill lost his valiant battle with cancer, and my father lost his battle in the following seven months, resulting in two funerals in a year. Physically, I was exhausted and gained an unhealthy amount of weight. Whenever I ate, I had gut pain, so I lost the pleasure of eating. Headaches were frequent, and due to a loss of sleep, my energy was so depleted that doing everyday tasks was a burden, never mind having to relocate and downsize yet again. I had little support, and this was when I felt genuinely broken. In my “brokenness,” I remembered a conversation with a pastor friend who reminded me that life has its seasons: the spring of childhood, the summer of youth, the autumn of adulthood, and the winter of death. So many aspects of life can be viewed that way. With that, I discovered truth in his words and oddly felt an inner peace. I grew to understand the phrase “if you hit rock bottom, the only way to go is up” because I hit those rocks hard. I desperately needed to regain my physical, mental, and emotional health, which had been tested repeatedly for years, for myself and my family. My sympathetic fight-or-flight nervous system switch never shut off. I realized I had to change that before relinquishing control of my health and well-being, which I have always valued but took for granted. Here is what I discovered in my losses and fears, along with some pearls for living with resilience. 1. Submit to the process.Feel the depth of your feelings by allowing them to flow through you. When you are in a liminal place, at the threshold of change, it is only natural to have many strong feelings and feelings that you may resist—grief over the loss of a loved one or a relationship, fear of the future ahead, anger that you are in this position, frustration with your own body, or denial of the new reality. Feel your feelings and journal to process them or communicate with someone you trust. This is how you start to heal. Far better than suffering silently is being honest with yourself about your feelings tied to the complexities of your process. Minimizing yourself or numbing your feelings invalidates the depth and breadth of your experience. If possible, consider reframing a sad or difficult experience to put a positive spin on it. I may be divorced, but my daughters are the best part of my life. I would not have them if it weren’t for my previous marriage. Also, downsizing into a smaller home improved my financial situation. I rejected it initially, but it made my responsibilities and financial commitments more manageable in the long run. Suffering any kind of loss or hardship is never easy and can feel crushing. Meet yourself where you are, go with the flow of your emotions with self-compassion and nonjudgment, and, if possible, open your mind to reframing a negative into a positive result. 2. Don’t ruminate while looking in the rearview mirror.This is so tempting. It is so easy to slip into the default pattern of looking at the past when we want our personal losses, challenges, and difficulties to make sense. Exercise radical acceptance if you need to accept your life as it is, even if it causes you pain. When I learned of radical acceptance, it felt unnatural, something I might have to convince myself to do. But I realized that to be at peace, I could not control everything in my life. Seasons. Also, bringing gratitude into your daily life is a valuable, underutilized tool that brings what is good into focus. When we target several reasons for gratitude as a daily habit, we shapeshift our mindset to support our well-being. Amassing what has happened to you in the past and bringing it into focus today creates an unnecessary, overwhelming burden. The past cannot be changed, and the future cannot be predicted, but we can choose to accept what is right now. This will lessen your suffering and the tendency to look back in the mirror. 3. Connect with your physical, mental, and emotional needs.Prolonged stress affects our hormones, cardiovascular system, gut health, musculoskeletal system, immune health, and every other function and body system with far-reaching, long-term effects. There is no reason to neglect or minimize your needs; this is a time to amp up your efforts to honor your needs. Listening to your body’s messages strongly improves your ability to handle and recover from stress. When stuck in the stress cycle, mindful self-care practices are even more important to prevent unhealthy habits from forming. Eating nutrient-dense meals, walking in nature, practicing consistent sleep hygiene practices, or spending time with friends or family members who love and support you are effective self-care practices to reduce stress and manage anxiety. According to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, you cannot experience all the potential that your life has to offer if you do not first meet your basic physiological needs. As you meet those needs, you can move through your experience in life more fully, owning and attracting love to you, developing deep connections, and increasing your confidence, self-esteem, and full potential despite setbacks in life. It is easy to become more reflexive than in control, an oversight that is not uncommon for highly stressed individuals. When I reprioritized myself with self-care practices, my health and well-being improved, as evidenced by my improved blood labs, weight loss, ease of digestion, and increased energy levels. I had a renewed sense of purpose in my work; later in my life, love found me. When you connect with your physical, mental, and emotional needs, you can also better honor them in others. 4. Chart a course that meets your life’s needs at the time.Decide what needs to be done to meet important needs. By successfully tending to some of the smaller needs, you can more easily prepare for larger target goals. With that, you develop an adaptable and increasingly more positive mindset. Consider small gains as you progress forward. As part of my healing and stress management, I knew I could do what I had to do by taking small, manageable, and incremental steps. It was too difficult for me to envision a big-picture view of a whole and healed life following so much loss for a time, but eventually, that changed. A day at a time, a week at a time, and a month at a time are now years later. Remaining open-minded and building your optimism naturally builds and reinforces your resilience muscle. So celebrate the small gains in your life. They naturally lead to more small successes, which builds confidence in planning for larger ones. 5. Life happens, and when it does, develop a surfing mindset, even if you fear the wind or the waves.When the winds of change occur, a sailor must adjust the sail to tack and harness the wind to his advantage. The wind and the waves do not remain the same even on one given day. Sailors hone their skills to have the wind and the waves support their intended direction. Life never remains the same. Things constantly change. When they do, step back, breathe, and ask yourself what the next best step is in caring for yourself in the moment and in moving forward. Through resilience, you can more easily heal and accept life’s dynamic nature by learning and growing from overcoming challenges and setbacks, and, in the face of uncertainty, you can live more fully with confidence and joy in the present and in the mystery of the future. Resilience is a quality that is not earned by having an easy life; rather, it is a testimony to coming through hardship and challenging experiences and feeling whole despite them. About Deborah LeibleDeborah Leible is a certified holistic integrative nutrition health coach with over thirty years of healthcare experience as a chiropractor. With a passion for helping other women overcome personal obstacles, she coaches overwhelmed moms on managing stress, eliminating gut pain naturally, and losing unhealthy weight while increasing energy and joy. Visit https://www.resilient360.net for free resources. Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site. “Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” ~Aristotle Over the past few years, I began to feel a shift in my career. Despite spending years earning certifications and degrees and building skills, my work no longer felt meaningful. As I contemplated a change, a persistent thought echoed in my mind: “Why can’t you just be grateful for what you have?” I had many things to be grateful for, yet I wasn’t happy and constantly judged myself for it. After months of unsuccessfully trying to push this thought away, I decided to sit with the feeling of guilt and approach it with curiosity. Here’s what I discovered: This was actually an inner critic part of myself that was created to keep me safe. My critic was telling me to feel grateful because it didn’t want me to make a change. If I was grateful for what I had, then, it reasoned, I wouldn’t pursue the things I really wanted, and I couldn’t fail. I also wouldn’t be seen, so I couldn’t be judged. These things were crucial to that part of me. And this is why ignoring it didn’t help. Understanding Your Inner CriticWe’ve all heard the advice to silence our inner critic. For years, we’ve been told to push through and dismiss that critical voice. But ignoring your inner critic is one of the worst things you can do. It’s tempting, I know, because that voice can be harsh and relentless. However, pushing it aside is like telling a scared child to stop making noise and go away. Parts of you, like your inner critic or the parts that feel shame or guilt, were created during childhood to keep you safe. And they are really effective. If my inner critic tells me I’ll never be able to do something and I listen, I won’t try, and therefore, I can’t fail. It’s done its job of keeping me safe. However, if I ignore it and go for it anyway, I might make some progress, but it can feel exhausting and overwhelming because that part wasn’t on board. This creates a split in my energy. When these parts aren’t integrated, your self-worth takes a dip. That’s the key—you’ve got to start listening to and integrating these parts. Listening to Your Inner CriticSo what do you do with a scared child? You listen. You sit with them, ask what they need, and provide comfort. When you do this, they start to calm down. The same principle applies to your inner critic. Instead of pushing it away, try listening to it. When you acknowledge your inner critic, you begin to understand where it’s coming from. Often, it’s trying to protect you from perceived danger or failure. By listening, you can address your underlying fears and anxieties. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything it says, but understanding its perspective can help you find more compassionate ways to respond to yourself. Practical Steps to Embrace Your Inner CriticAcknowledge Its PresenceWhen your inner critic pipes up, take a moment to recognize it. Say to yourself, “I hear you. I see that you are scared.” This simple acknowledgment can start to defuse the intensity. Identify the SourceTry to understand why your inner critic is being so loud. You could focus on it and journal in response to the prompt, “What do you need from me to feel safer?” Being curious and open can provide you with some understanding of what you might need to move forward in a more powerful way. Dialogue with CompassionImagine your inner critic as a younger version of yourself who’s scared and needs reassurance. Speak kindly and offer the support you would to a friend or a child. Practice Self-CompassionRemind yourself that it’s okay to feel what you’re feeling. Validate your emotions and give yourself permission to rest, take a break, or seek help. Shift Your PerspectiveInstead of seeing your inner critic as an enemy, view it as a part of you that needs healing. This shift can transform the way you interact with your inner voice. The Power of Self-CompassionEmbracing your inner critic is a powerful step toward greater self-compassion. When you listen to and address this critical voice with kindness, you create a more nurturing internal environment. This approach can lead to profound changes in how you handle stress, challenges, and setbacks. Remember, self-compassion isn’t about being complacent or lazy. It’s about recognizing you are a human being rather than a human doing and treating yourself with the same care and understanding you would offer to a loved one. It’s about finding balance and allowing yourself the space to rest and recharge when needed. My Journey to Self-CompassionReflecting on my own experience, I realize that the more I’ve listened to my inner critic rather than pushing it away, the quieter it has become. With my inner critic on board, I’ve experienced significantly higher levels of creativity and productivity. This has been a clear reminder that taking care of myself leads to better outcomes. As I practiced self-compassion, I noticed a positive shift in my life. Tasks that once felt daunting became manageable, and I found joy in activities that previously seemed burdensome. By listening to my inner critic with empathy and understanding, I created a harmonious relationship with myself, leading to a more fulfilling and balanced life. The journey to embracing your inner critic is not always easy. It requires patience, practice, and a willingness to be vulnerable. But the rewards are immense. By listening to and understanding your inner critic, you open the door to greater self-compassion, which in turn enhances your overall well-being and productivity. The next time you hear that critical voice, take a moment to pause and listen. Ask what it needs and respond with kindness. Remember, your inner critic is a part of you that’s seeking love and reassurance. By embracing it, you take a significant step toward a more compassionate and fulfilling life. I encourage you to reflect on your relationship with your inner critic. How do you typically respond to it? What changes can you make to start embracing it with compassion? About Patti BryantPatti Bryant is a somatic business coach and author who helps midlife purpose seekers intentionally create their second half of life. Feeling directionless or confused about “what’s next” for you? Sign up for the free How to Get Unstuck Master Class. Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site. “To stay with that shakiness—to stay with a broken heart, with a rumbling stomach, with the feeling of hopelessness—that is the path of true awakening. Sticking with that uncertainty, getting the knack of relaxing in the midst of chaos, learning not to panic—that is the spiritual path.” ~Pema Chödrön Sixteen years ago, when everything familiar fell away, I felt desperate for spiritual answers. I bartered with a woman who called herself a quantum healer. When I explained I didn’t have enough money to cover rent, bills, and food, she scoffed, “Well, you have to have money to be spiritual.” Say what, now? In our culture, this myth is pervasive, yet we only have to look at the life of the Buddha (or Jesus or Muhammad) to see that’s untrue. The Buddha left a life of wealth and privilege in order to awaken. What this woman probably meant was that people need money to attend retreats in exotic locales, or to purchase expensive courses on manifestation, or to hire coaches who promise them seven-figure incomes. To awaken to our true nature requires nothing. It doesn’t even require a teacher, because life is the teacher. For many of us, spiritual growth is propelled by a falling away of everything familiar, including income. Admittedly, it’s difficult to focus on spiritual growth when we’re hungry or facing other survival challenges. The paradox is that these can be a crash course in awakening if we allow them to be. In my experience, these challenges are designed to humble our egos and show us that all our doing and egoic effortaren’t going to work; only surrender can. Begging and taking a victim stance (historically, one of my areas of specialty) doesn’t work either. The Jedi trick is to find peace despite all this, to discover the freedom of emptiness, or, as it’s called in Christianity, “the peace that passes all understanding.” Prioritize Inner Peace“If you get the inside right, the outside will fall into place.” ~Eckhart Tolle One year, despite sending 200+ emails, I couldn’t find work. If I hadn’t felt so frustrated, the sheer volume would have made it comical. Then, after listening to many, many hours of Eckhart Tolle’s talks, I decided to stop trying so hard. I began practicing a fierce form of presence, staying only on the razor’s edge of this very moment, because to consider anything other than the present moment brought panic. I prayed and meditated near-constantly, which helped me become aware of even the smallest signs of grace: seeing the first cherry blossom on a tree, making eye contact with a starling, or receiving a free baguette from a local baker. Each of those moments—and thousands more—brought inexplicable joy. In those moments, I felt deeply connected to the network of life. I’d believed I needed a baseline of money to feel inner peace, yet without money, I’d found inner peace anyway. The moments that brought up immense fear in our relative world became expansive in the absolute. When I fully accepted and inhabited each moment, life showed me the next step. And the next. Life isn’t quid pro quo. Capitalism is. Whatever we put out always comes back, though not always in the same form. How to Find the Gold When Everything Falls AwayCultivate joy with a giving practice.In 2014, amidst a round of financial challenges, I heard about the 29-day Giving Challenge, based on Cami Walker’s book 29 Gifts: How a Month of Giving Can Change Your Life. The book is based on instructions she received from a medicine woman named Mbali Creazzo. The idea is to give something away freely every day for 29 days—and also to pay attention to what flows in. These gifts don’t have to be material, though it helps to give what you would like to receive. Because I was hungry and behind on rent and bills, for me, that was money. One day, I was able to purchase a $10 gift card for the local grocery store, and I gave it to a woman I saw frequently on the street. Other times, when I was down to less than $5, I left a dollar coin on a wall where children love to climb. Being broke had made me feel less than human. Recognizing that I could help someone feel seen and valued again, even briefly, was a revelation. Knowing that a child would find that dollar made me smile all day. Giving became, and remains, the most euphoric practice I’ve ever had. This isn’t virtue-signaling or bragging; it completely transformed my life, or rather, the way I experience life. We all need something, and we all have something others need. That’s the definition of interdependence. Many times, I gave patience, directions, or thanks. Other times, when I could afford it—and this is still one of my favorites—I would leave a chocolate bar on a public bench with a note that read, “Please accept this random act of chocolate.” Other times, I wrote notes on Post-its with words I needed to hear and placed them in public areas. Things like “You are loved” or “You make a difference in the world.” Writing each of these gave me a hit of dopamine and helped me feel more like a part of the world rather than forgotten. Try community giving.For several years, I bartered with an independent coffee shop to be able to eat one meal a day. Inspired by an Italian trend called caffé sospeso, we created a practice of “suspended coffee.” If a customer was financially able, they could pay ahead for someone else’s coffee. If someone wanted a coffee but couldn’t afford it, they could request a “suspended coffee.” Being able to co-create a giving practice that benefited everyone in the community made me giddy. At the same coffee shop, baked goods were typically thrown out after two days. I began taking bags of leftover muffins, scones, and banana bread to a local soup kitchen, where they were a treat for guests more often served soup and stale bread. On holiday weekends, instead of throwing out food, we gave whatever pre-made salads remained, as well as day-old baked goods, to people in transitional housing. I was flat broke and trying to pay off a five-figure debt, $10 at a time. These giving practices evoked such joy in me that my anxiety about money all but disappeared (okay, mostly). And when that happened, life stepped in to support me. Be open to receiving.What does it mean to be open to receiving? A complete lack of resistance to what is. Many people feel resistant to receiving financial help because there’s a myth in the dominant culture that accumulated wealth equals an individual’s value, and not having money makes someone ‘less than.’ Those are both false human constructs. It’s important not to give in order to receive, nor to give because you believe you have to. Those cancel out the energy of giving. If you can give freely, though, miracles unfold. For me, these ranged from a neighbor who spontaneously offered me money to cover rent to an acquaintance who gave me the cash back from her credit card so I could pay down more of the five-figure debt. I saw clearly that flow is always at work in the world. And I stopped feeling ashamed about receiving. Giving helps me see what I do have: people who care about me, a roof over my head, a meal that day. It gets me out of my head and my ‘poor me’ stories. To my delight, giving helped me rediscover the feeling of oneness, emptiness, or “the peace that passes all understanding.” Because I felt so peaceful, I felt less resistant to my own situation, and that allowed the situation to change. We think of items and money as “ours,” but really, we’re just stewards. Indigenous cultures have known for millennia what we settler-descendants need to learn: What we have is to be shared with others, not hoarded. Money Can Make Us ForgetOnce income began flowing in, I was mortified to discover how easily I slid back into wanting to keep what I had (after all, I rationalized, it wasn’t much). I began grasping again and believing in the collective delusion of stability. Awareness—access to the experience of emptiness, oneness, or the “kingdom of heaven”—shrank. My ego had been so thoroughly humbled, even fractured, during the broke times that it grasped at anything that could help it rebuild a sense of identity—which is antithetical to emptiness and peace. It’s not just me. Sociologist Paul Piff, Ph.D., of the University of California, Irvine, ran a game-based experiment in which he found that “rich” players hoarded their fake wealth far more than “poor” players, who tended to be more generous. This aligns with research that demonstrates that, on average, wealthier people donate less than their less-affluent counterparts. By maintaining a giving practice, I can reconnect with that expansive feeling of joy at being able to meet someone else’s need, whether that’s a friend, a stranger, or some random child walking along a wall who finds a dollar coin. It’s a Process and a PracticeThe gold in the title of this post refers to awareness. That is the experience that all spiritual teachings point toward (and which no words can capture). When things fall away, life is inviting us to awaken. As long as we resist what is, the doorway remains closed. When we prioritize inner peace and then generosity, miracles can happen. After nearly three years of bartering with the coffee shop, I was offered a contract—out of the blue—that helped me pay off the five-figure debt within six months. This was unusual, though not unheard of. More typically for me, and probably for many, when we give from what we have, smaller amounts begin to come in that enable small payments or a few days of groceries. It doesn’t always come back as money. Receiving food by bartering with the coffee shop was a complete gift to me. Be open to different ways of receiving. It’s not easy when things fall away, but it is an opening. If we can learn to prioritize inner peace, let go of our egos, and become part of the flow, we can find peace and even happiness greater than we ever imagined. If you’re hungry and broke, the apps Too Good to Go (US/Canada), FlashFood (US/Canada), and OLIO (global) may be able to help. About Sarah ChaunceySarah Chauncey is a veteran writer, freelance developmental editor, and the author of the pet-loss gift book P.S. I Love You More Than Tuna. After a spontaneous awakening in 2010, she spent seven years mostly in silence and solitude, listening to life and taking notes. Those notes became the Substack The Counterintuitive Guide to Life, which helps readers find inner peace by developing self-awareness and skillfully navigating life’s paradoxes. She also writes Resonant Storytelling, a newsletter for writers. Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site. “Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security.” ~John Allen Paulos Uncertainty has always been a fact of life, but I think we can all agree that its looming presence seems to be more potent than ever. As if the uncertainties of personal matters--finding love, holding down a job, raising healthy kids—weren’t challenging enough, now we’re facing political, environmental, and technological uncertainties on a scale not previously known. Polarizing figures are running for office and winning. Heat domes and super blizzards are disrupting our quality of life. Artificial intelligence might single-handedly upend entire sectors of jobs. Suffice it to say that uncertainty isn’t going away. It’s raised a lot of questions in my own life. How can I secure my future? Am I prepared to give up certain comforts? Should I be stocking up on more emergency food and water? I’ve come to realize that it’s in my best interest to learn how to live with uncertainty—not simply to make it less intolerable, but to awaken the personal power that comes through dancing with the unknown. Several years ago, I experienced a wake-up call in the face of new uncertainties, and I was in no way prepared for it. I sustained work-related injuries that completely upended my life. While living in a state of intense physical and emotional pain for almost a year, I was unable to work or take care of myself. Brushing my hair and putting on skinny jeans was a struggle. Long after my injuries healed, my doctor told me the lingering chronic pain was likely going to be permanent. Suddenly, I had to consider a future where I would be unemployable, completely reliant upon others, and in constant pain. But after months of mental suffering, I finally found the silver lining. My true power lies in my ability to embrace the unknown. From that moment forward, I began taking risks to create the life I actually wanted. I left the career that led to my injury, and I started over, even though I had no shred of evidence to prove that I would be successful. I chose to believe I could reshape my future and thrive. Your power isn’t measured by how well you perform when the temperature is just right, everyone agrees with you, and the outcomes are guaranteed. It’s easy to be kind and feel confident when life flows smoothly and predictably. But when your kid is having a meltdown two minutes before your job interview? Or your landlord decides not to renew your lease? Or your spouse is diagnosed with a chronic disease? These are the moments when you have an opportunity to stop old habits—catastrophizing, finger-pointing, or coming apart at the seams—and to start trusting yourself to grow into an expanded, more resilient version of you. Everything has a degree of uncertainty. I believe that mastering the art of living with unknowns is the secret to being successful at anything you put your mind to—whether it’s building a business or reentering the dating world. Because your relationship with uncertainty is a choice. What if you could be a master sorcerer at responding to, playing with, and leveraging the unplanned circumstances of your life? What if it felt empowering or even magical to be with the unfolding unknown? This isn’t to say that feeling afraid or grieving change is wrong. When everything that once felt secure is now on the chopping board, it’s normal to be upset. But endless suffering isn’t necessary, healthy, or empowering. If you let your survival brain steer the wheel, you’ll easily get stuck in indecision and doubt, which will obscure what’s possible. Power comes through experiencing your unrealized self-agency precisely when everything seems out of control—to remember that you have choice in every moment. To be fair, very real, very harmful changes are happening in the world. When your rights are being taken away, global warming is destroying the earth, and no one can agree on what’s the “truth” anymore, we need to mobilize to create the change that’s desperately needed. You can’t make a difference when you’re busy complaining, floundering, or hiding from the problem. Expanding your capacity to embrace uncertainty is an inevitable journey that life will keep inviting you to participate in until you finally say yes. Here are a few ways to start building a new relationship with uncertainty. 4 Ways to Master the Art of Living with Uncertainty1. Reduce anxiety and turn up the curiosity.Anxiety is the result of your internal threat sensors getting activated, and this is natural, but it can easily become a self-perpetuating cycle. Intercepting anxiety is a superpower you want to have. It allows you to problem-solve like a wizard from a place of curiosity. Curiosity is neutral, unbiased, and open to possibilities. It doesn’t care about failure; it only cares about learning. It doesn’t listen to your ego; it only draws insight from your deeper wisdom. Curiosity will help you spark ideas and take action. Anxiety will crush innovation and paralyze you. There are countless tools that can help you turn off the stress signals in your brain. Anytime you feel anxiety rearing its ugly head, try this breathing technique. Pause what you’re doing to inhale for four, hold for four, and exhale for four. Repeat a few times. Small interventions like breathing have a powerful cumulative effect in building resilience in your nervous system. 2. Consult your three centers of intelligence.They say there are three brains—one in your head, one in your heart, and one in your gut. There are actually thousands of neurons in your heart, and we all know that gut-instinct feeling in our belly. Each of these wisdom centers gives you messages that are each meaningful in their own way if you pause to listen. All you need to do is ask your mind, heart, and gut what they each know to be true about a situation you’re facing. To get the most out of this practice, go to a quiet, uninterrupted space. Center yourself, step into your curiosity, and go inward for some wisdom. “What does my heart, gut, and mind know about this situation that’s important for me to know?” When I took a leap of faith in quitting my nine-to-five job to become a healer, my heart and gut were in full agreement about this decision. I was excited and relieved to realize what I truly wanted to do. But my mind was initially full of questions like, “How do I start taking steps to make this happen?” and “How can I afford this risk?” Sometimes your centers of intelligence might not be in alignment, which creates that feeling of inner conflict. That is completely normal. Consulting your three centers is about gathering information. In my case, the practicality of my mind wasn’t ready to shake hands with my feelings and intuition. So I knew I needed to listen carefully to my inner wisdom, which said loud and clear, “You need to plan this out carefully and not make any naive decisions!” 3. When in doubt, remember you always have two options.When you’re struggling to embrace change or uncertainty, remember that you always have one of two options: gracefully surrender or rise up and play a part. In other words, you can change your thoughts about the situation, or you can change the situation. Making decisions can feel taxing. Isn’t it easier to choose between one of two options, as opposed to endlessly resisting, lamenting, or overthinking it? Whether you decide to surrender or take action, all you need to ask yourself is, “What’s the next smallest step I need to take?” Focus on one small step at a time. 4. Plant new seeds.How often do you doubt yourself or assume the worst? How likely are you to label your experience as “hard,” “impossible,” or “unfair”? If you allow limiting beliefs to run amok, you’re giving up a lot of rent-free space in your mind to thoughts that do not serve you. Fixating on despair and hopelessness creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. Don’t do that. You were made to rise up to something greater—believing and embodying this truth is perhaps your greatest unrealized power. Choosing to believe that you have free will, are inherently worthy, and have infinite creativity is a game-changing strategy that very few people take advantage of. You get to create the narrative of your life. What beliefs do you want to have about yourself and what you can achieve? Get specific, write them down, and make a regular practice of rooting into these beliefs and embodying them. Embodying a belief means that it feels congruent inside when you think it. A belief is just an empty thought if you don’t emotionally embody it. If a new belief feels like too big of a jump, start really small. Remind yourself, “Even though I feel this way, I am learning to feel differently.” When I first started putting myself in front of people to talk about my work as a healer, I was not used to the visibility and vulnerability it required. Despite being over-the-moon excited to help people, I was surprised to learn that it was also frightening. I knew I needed to build more capacity to feel safe being seen and taking up space. So I started to gently remind myself that “I am safe when I’m visible” as I embodied the feeling of inner security. This is not an overnight trick. This is a dedicated practice that takes time and tenacity to commit to. Planting seeds is a long-term investment in yourself—treat it like a non-negotiable part of your health routine and a sacred remembering of who you’re becoming and where you’re going. -- Strengthening your relationship with uncertainty is going to set you up for unimaginable success in your relationships, career, and creative endeavors because it will enable you to take chances you might otherwise be afraid to take. And it will also help you better cope with the varied challenges of our time. If you waver on a big decision because you’re scared of the unknown, simply ask yourself what would make you proud of yourself in the long run. Treat every obstacle or mishap as a learning opportunity, where your only job is to stay curious and get better at pivoting. This will build your self-trust muscle and your confidence. Eventually you’ll realize how much more comfortable you are with uncertainty. Last but not least, be sure to celebrate this momentous win! About Krissy LovemanKrissy Loveman is a trauma-informed life coach who helps people reclaim their power over self-limiting thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. Check out her free resources to start releasing old patterns and explore new possibilities. Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site. “This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival.” ~Rumi When people start out with mindfulness, they want to feel better. They want all the worried, angry, or regretful thoughts to pipe down a little and stop making them feel so bad. That’s great, as far as it goes, and mindfulness can deliver it if you practice consistently. But there’s something even better on offer, and it both is and isn’t about feeling better. I learned this on an intensive meditation retreat. There I was, excited to be there and ready to attain states of bliss, clarity, and insight. I’d been waiting a long time for this and was determined to make it count. But my mind just wouldn’t play ball. Instead of delivering the desired bliss, clarity, and insight, all it had for me were bad memories. One after another, in a seemingly endless stream. Every embarrassing, disappointing, or otherwise upsetting moment from my life. Things I didn’t even know I remembered, let alone was still upset about. But here they were, both vivid and upsetting. This wasn’t what I had come here for at all. I started to feel miserable. I wanted the thoughts to stop. On the third day, I had the chance to talk to the teacher who was leading the retreat. We got about fifteen minutes every other day and otherwise had to stay silent. I told him about my problem a little despondently, not expecting much from the conversation. He didn’t miss a beat. His instructions were clear and specific: “Let the memories come, feel the emotion in your body, and send kindness to it.” Huh? This wasn’t entirely new to me. At the meditation classes I had been going to, we had been learning to feel our emotions in our bodies. At first, this was impossible for me and seemed, frankly, silly. “My emotions aren’t in my body,” I thought, “they’re in my mind.” Feeling them in my body sounded like fanciful hippy stuff. But over the months that I’d been meditating, to my surprise, I had started to feel my emotions in my body. First the familiar ones, like anger, fear, or sadness, but also stranger, nameless ones—emotional sensations that I couldn’t pin down. So I wasn’t completely non-plussed by what the teacher on the retreat suggested. I had even once listened to a guided meditation that was similar to what he was suggesting. But it hadn’t done anything for me, so I didn’t expect it to now. But there I was, stuck on a ten-day retreat with all my bad memories, and the teacher was the only possible source of help and guidance. So I started to do what he said. Here came a memory. I noticed it and quickly focused on my body. And there it was—a distinct pang of shame. I stayed with that for a few moments, until I realized that the memory had gone. Here came another one, and I did the same, this time trying to be kind to the feelings in my body. Then another memory, and another. It was a little while before I realized that I was actually wanting them to keep coming. I was so engrossed with my new technique that I couldn’t get enough of the memories. Great, I thought. Maybe this is what the teacher intended. I’m almost having fun here. But there was more. As I continued to focus on the feelings in my body, I realized that they weren’t that bad. In fact, they weren’t bad at all. They weren’t painful; they were just sensations of warmth or coolness, lightness or heaviness, sinking or rising, and so on. They weren’t a problem once I was focused on them and not the thoughts that came with them. So here, after all, was the insight that I was looking for. Emotions aren’t such a problem when we see what they’re made of! When we pull them apart into their component parts—thoughts and feelings—they turn out to be paper tigers. This was a revelation, and it kept me well occupied, observing the sensations in my body and trying to catch all the details: the size and shape of the sensations; the ways they changed moment-by-moment. The whole experience had turned into an intriguing rather than upsetting one. I kept on going like that for a couple of days, until the memories stopped coming of their own accord. I wasn’t even relieved when they stopped. If anything, I felt a bit bored. What I learned was the single most useful thing I have ever learned about mindfulness. But, unfortunately, a lot of people don’t seem to know it. I learned that mindfulness isn’t about getting rid of anything or trying to feel better. Really, it’s about learning to feel more fully and directly, to turn toward and explore whatever feelings happen to be arising. Doing so leads to less suffering. And, ironically enough, feelings often leave more quickly when you stop trying to make them leave. As I heard another meditation teacher say, “Feelings just want to be heard.” Feelings are messengers that are trying to tell us something, and if we could just give them a proper hearing by really feeling them, they’d soon be on their way. If you want to try this technique for yourself, here’s a bit more detail on how to do it: Sit or lie still, with your eyes closed or your gaze lowered. Tune into your breath for a few moments, or some other body sensation if you prefer. Then start to think of something that upsets you a bit. Only a bit—not the most upsetting thing in your life. Let yourself get caught up in the thoughts; let them really get their teeth into you. Once you are feeling a bit upset, let go of those thoughts and focus your attention on your body. See if you can notice how that upset feeling shows up in your body. If you can’t feel emotions in your body, you may need to work on sitting or lying in meditation and just trying to notice them there. They’ll start to show up with some practice. If you can notice any upset feelings in your body, focus your attention on them. Try to do it with a curious attitude, or even one of kindness. Explore the sensations in as much detail as you can, trying to really get to know them rather than get rid of them. And if you feel overwhelmed at any point, of course you can just stop. Keep going for as long as you feel it’s useful, and then see how you feel after. The feeling may or may not have gone, but the hope is that, even if it’s still there, you’ll be less bothered by it being there. Once you have gotten the hang of this technique, you can use it whenever unpleasant emotions show up, whether in meditation or in the rest of your life. So, there you go. Now you know the most useful mindfulness technique that I know! About Michael EisenDr. Michael Eisen is a committed meditator and a clinical psychologist. Since 2017, he has been teaching meditation and mindfulness to clients in therapy, in the workplace, and in healthcare settings. He blogs at secondarrow.co.uk/blog. Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site. “The ego is not master in its own house.” ~Sigmund Freud What does that mean? If the ego is not in charge, who is? Before diving deeper, let me tell you this story. That Little Voice AgainMy jaw tightened, and I couldn’t sit still. Anyone could see that the conversation was heading south. As I was fiddling with my car keys, a little distracted, a very distinct, persistent little voice pushed me to interrupt my sister. Go ahead. Say it! Make her stop talking! Like a broken cassette, the words you are wrong kept looping in my head. Honestly, I wasn’t even listening to her anymore. Her ideas were absurd, and I just wanted her to stop talking. Unable to bite my tongue any longer, I slapped my hand on the table and said, “You are wrong!” Moments later, we were at each other’s throats, and the inevitable He Said, She Said happened. Little did I know that that was my ego talking. In today’s spiritual circles, many wars have been waged against the ego. Any problem you have, they tell you to blame it on the ego and destroy it. The monster under the bed. The stuff of nightmares. Right? But what is the ego? Is it really the evil it’s made out to be? Was Freud right? The Ego is the House of the SelfI like to think of the ego as the House of the Self, much like the distinct Houses of Stark, Lannister, and Targaryen in Game of Thrones. And the self is your identity, or all the things you identify with. From thoughts to things, it’s basically anything you’ve labeled me, my, and mine. As the distinguished spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle put it: “Ego is no more than this: identification with form, which primarily means thought forms.” When you identify with any thought, for example, “my name,” “my things,” “my feelings,” or “my ideas,” you give birth to the ego. Why Does the Ego Exist?Without the ego or a sense of self, you cannot survive. If you can’t tell “what’s you” and “what’s not you,” everything blends together like one big mess. You wouldn’t be able to separate yourself from a tree, a car, another person, or a gun. Without a sense of self, you can easily walk into traffic, run into a knife, get chased by an animal, touch a live wire, or find yourself in all kinds of danger. So, yeah, the ego has one job—to keep you alive. It will always protect you from what it perceives as a threat, just as a scorpion will always sting when provoked. You could say that the ego is doing you a service by preserving the individual ‘you’ at all costs. Like a dragon guarding its treasure, it will always defend what you identify with and reject anything that threatens your identity. Why do you think my ego kept nudging me to interrupt my sister during our chat? Same reason. Hence the expressions I am right or you are wrong. Why Does the Ego Have a Bad Reputation?Like everything else, the ego is a neutral tool. It becomes “good” or “bad” based on how it is used. There are two possible reasons for its not-so-bright reputation. The first reason is duality.In the words of author and New Thought leader Teal Swan: “The ego wants to distinguish itself. It wants to be things like good, right, better, superior, and more. There is nothing inherently wrong with this drive.” By distinguishing “you” from “not you,” you create duality or separation. Separation between spirit and matter, seen and unseen, man and fellow man. This is not a bad thing. But staying in duality without seeing the bigger picture (of oneness and interconnectedness) can lead to judgment, fear, and suffering. For example, when you look at life through the lenses of “good/bad,” “right/wrong,” “acceptable/unacceptable,” “clean/dirty,” etc., you experience separation and cut yourself off from the vast oneness of life. Or when you judge people as “bad,” “wrong,” “sinful,” or “evil,” you let the ego take the upper hand and control you. This is literally the root cause of all division in the world—separations based on color, economic status, race, and religion. Even when you judge parts of yourself as “bad,” “ugly,” “wrong,” or “sinful,” you reject big chunks of yourself. In fact, you disconnect from your shadow self and become more and more dysfunctional as a person. The second reason is attachment.The Buddha nailed the hammer on the head when he said that attachment is the root of all suffering. This piece of wisdom goes back thousands of years and is the heart of the hydra. This is what happens. When you cling too tightly to your identity without chipping away at the parts that no longer serve you or without sculpting the pieces that need adjustment, you experience suffering. When you stay in your comfort zone and refuse to engage in this (spiritual or psychological) never-ending cycle of death and rebirth, you experience suffering. Or when you get attached to your thoughts and resist being open to change, again, you experience suffering. In other words, as long as you identify with any of the contents of the House of Ego to the point where they drive you, you will experience needless suffering. How Can You Work with the Ego?This line of thinking has worked for me. It may help you too. I am not the clothes I wear. If something happens to them, say my boots get worn out or I no longer want them, I won’t have a problem discarding them and getting new ones because I am not my boots. I found that the key is not to tear down or ‘transcend’ my ego, but to be detached from it. Had I identified with the boots, I would’ve held onto them out of attachment, rejecting the idea of change, which would have caused me suffering in the long run. But from this detached point of awareness, I gave myself the freedom to transform what needed transforming and experience positive change. To be even more honest with you, I used to think that detachment meant carelessness or a lack of commitment to something or someone. Now I see it as acceptance in its highest form—acceptance of all things foreign, different, or unfamiliar. So, when you detach from your identity, you become more accepting of things. This allows you to act from a place of empathy and create space for you, me, and everybody else to exist harmoniously. Final ThoughtsYou are not the ego. You have one. Everybody does. Whatever you put in the House of Ego, from thoughts to things, shapes you as an individual and contributes to the development of the self. This is what makes up your human experience. The best part is that the real you—the consciousness, or the immortal being that is really you—houses the ego, not the other way around. So yes, Freud was right. The ego is not master in its own house. You are. And you can always keep the House of Ego in order by living a judgment-free life. The more you welcome change from a place of loving awareness and recognize how everything is connected, the friendlier your relationship with the ego gets. But hey, as the saying goes, your house, your rules. About Moon MerthurMoon Merthur is a channeler, holistic spiritual teacher, and founder of Gods and Mirrors. She loves bridging the human stuff with divine truths. If the high priestess fell in love with a mortal, she'd be their baby. You can read more about her on her website. If you enjoy spiritual topics and channeled messages, connect with her on Gods and Mirrors (YouTube). There may be something in there for you. Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site. “Humbleness, forgiveness, clarity, and love are the dynamics of freedom. They are the foundations of authentic power.” ~Gary Zukav Last July, my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and began chemotherapy. She asked if I could stay and help her through the treatments. Our relationship had always been strained—she was judgmental of my nomadic lifestyle and often spoke in a way that left me feeling demoralized and degraded. As an empath, this criticism was particularly hard to bear. I would feel an instant shock, like an infusion of toxic poison flowing through my veins, triggering a strong desire to hop on the next flight out of America. However, this time, something changed. I found the courage to tell her how her judgmental tone affected me. To my surprise, she listened, apologized, and asked for my help in changing. She even expressed regret for not understanding sooner how her words hurt me. This was the beginning of a miraculous transformation, not only in our relationship but in her health as well. A few months into chemotherapy, my mother had a severe reaction and decided to stop all medications. Instead, she turned to a healthier lifestyle. She adopted a nutritious diet, started swimming every morning at 6 a.m., and lost fifty pounds. Most importantly, she began to forgive her past, which allowed her to fully embrace the present. At eighty-three, my mother is changing in ways I never thought possible. We recently returned from a two-week scuba and snorkeling trip in the Maldives, where she swam with whale sharks and eagle rays, danced, and marveled at the stunning aqua waters. She had the time of her life, and I could see from the sparkle in her eyes the life-changing impact of the sea. Throughout the trip, she didn’t watch any TV and instead thanked me for sharing my love of the ocean with her. Her newfound appreciation for life was a beautiful, miraculous gift. She was happy, alive, and looked twenty years younger, and for the first time in my life, she expressed her respect and appreciation for my life choices. During this time, I maintained my equanimity, a testament to the spiritual practices I’ve cultivated as an empath. I stayed grounded and clear, which allowed me to support her without losing myself in the process. This experience has taught me invaluable lessons about healing, not only for my mother but for our relationship as well. Reflecting on this journey, I realize how much we have both grown. My mother once said that I came back to help her die, but instead, she has learned how to truly live. This transformation is a powerful reminder of the resilience and strength we all possess, especially when we embrace our sensitivities and learn how to speak our truths. Lessons Learned on My PathHonest communication can transform relationships.I have learned to never assume it’s pointless to share my honest feelings because you never know how they’ll be received. Open and genuine communication was the key to transforming my relationship with my mother. When I finally expressed how her words affected me, it opened the door to healing and understanding. Change is always possible.Know that it’s never too late to change or to create change in a relationship. My mother’s transformation at eighty-three is a testament to the fact that we are never too old to grow, heal, and embrace a new way of living. Her journey has shown me that change is always possible, no matter where we are in life. Our energy can have a profound effect on our interactions.Recognizing that the energy I bring to an interaction affects how the other person will engage with me has been another game changer. By maintaining a calm and grounded presence, I was able to support my mother without losing myself in the process. This shift in energy made our interactions more positive and constructive. One practice that helps me with this is Ho’oponopono (Hawaiian forgiveness prayer), which includes four parts: I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, and I love you. Ho’oponopono operates on the basis that any energies I experience can, in some way, be a mirror of energies I have in myself. My focus is to actively take responsibility for my part (whether I am conscious of it or not). This helps me to take active ownership of my part in the situation and to clear my side of the street. It helps me to come from a place of humility and empowerment by taking responsibility for what I have brought to the table. It is a powerful practice and can totally shift dynamics in relationships and situations. It’s crucial for empaths to discern which energy is our own.One of the most critical lessons I learned was how to distinguish between my energy and the energy of others. As an empath, it’s easy to absorb emotions, thoughts, and energies from those around you, often confusing them with your own. This can be overwhelming and disorienting. It was especially challenging around my mother, who is an anxious person. In the past, I would feel her anxiety as if it were my own, which was particularly triggering. Through my spiritual practices and studies, I developed a heightened awareness of my internal state. I started by paying close attention to my feelings and sensations, learning to recognize what was inherently mine. Meditation played a significant role in this process. By sitting in stillness and observing my thoughts and emotions without attachment, I could identify the subtle differences between my energy and external influences. I also practiced grounding exercises, which helped me stay connected to my body and the present moment, making it easier to discern external energies. Energy clearing is a game-changer.Clearing my energy has become essential to maintaining my well-being. I have discovered several techniques that prove invaluable in releasing unwanted energies and restoring my natural state. I use intention and release energy that I may have absorbed that is not mine, replacing it with high-frequency energy. I then call back into my body all my energy after I intend that it is cleared and cleansed. I clear myself and my space with the sacred sound of a Tibetan bowl and smudge with sage or palo santo, which leaves me feeling refreshed and renewed. I think of clearing energy like brushing my teeth. I do it several times daily, and it only takes a few minutes. Another effective method is using visualization. I visualize a bright light surrounding me, washing away any negative or foreign energies. Outside of the light, I visualize a disco ball with mirrors, reflecting the energy from others. Breathwork has also become a life-changing and powerful tool. Through deep, conscious, connected breathing, I release tension, trauma, and stagnant energy from my body. Each inhale brings in fresh, revitalizing energy, while each exhale expels anything that is not serving me. Having a spiritual routine can keep us centered.Developing a daily spiritual routine has been the cornerstone of maintaining a high vibration and a clear mind. This routine involves a combination of practices that nurture my body, mind, and spirit, ensuring I start each day grounded and aligned. My routine includes:
These practices, woven into my daily life, create a framework that supports living an empowered life as an empath. They help me stay centered, clear, and resilient, allowing me to embrace my sensitivity as a gift rather than a burden. -- Reflecting back on my journey with my mother, I am reminded of how far we’ve come. Our relationship, once strained and filled with misunderstanding, has transformed into a beautiful, supportive bond. The courage to share my honest feelings and the willingness to engage with a calm, grounded energy were pivotal in this transformation. My mother’s ability to change and embrace a new way of living at eighty-three has shown me that it’s never too late for growth and healing. By sharing these lessons, I hope to inspire fellow empaths to embrace their sensitivity and develop practices that nurture their unique gifts. Sensitivity, when understood and managed well, can be a profound source of strength and connection to the people around us. About Polly GreenPolly Green is an empath coach, channeler, energy alchemist, and medium helping empaths feel confident in clearing energy and navigating the spirit world. If you're an awakening female empath struggling with your sensitivity, she'd love to connect with you. Polly is conducting important research and would appreciate the opportunity to ask you a few questions over a quick Zoom call. Grab a spot on her calendar, visit her site, and follow on Instagram (here / here), Facebook (here / here), and YouTube. You can find her free guide here. Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site. “We all have two lives. The second one starts when we realize that we only have one.” ~Confucius According to Gettysburg College, the average person will spend 90,000 hours working in their lifetime. For many of us, it seems that the answer to Mary Oliver’s famous question, “What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” is work. So why do so many of us stay in jobs we don’t enjoy? For three years, I had a job that made me feel restless and disengaged. On paper, it was the right fit. It aligned with my experience in education administration, an industry I fell into through a mutual friend in college. But in reality, the culture at the company made it difficult for me to feel comfortable there or have any life outside of work. When I was on the clock, it was constantly go, go, go. I was expected to work several weekends in the fall, summer, and spring, sometimes from home and sometimes traveling for conferences. I often worked early mornings and late evenings for a good, but not great, salary (I worked for a nonprofit), and there was no overtime. Because of this, I was extremely guarded about my few free weekends, preferring to use them to recharge quietly at home. I felt resentful when a family member or friend would ask me to visit, feeling so burnt out from my day-to-day that I had nothing left to give them. My coworkers infrequently took paid time off, and sometimes they were denied. I once asked to take a Friday off for a close family friend’s wedding and was told it wouldn’t be feasible. I spent the five-hour car ride to the venue working from the passenger seat. I frustratedly turned my phone off at the rehearsal dinner, which was at 8:00 p.m. on Friday, after receiving a message from my boss. When I did get to take time off, I was often asked to get online or help my boss out over the phone. I heard from her while on the beach for a friend’s bachelorette trip, in a rental for a family vacation, at my aunt and uncle’s house for Thanksgiving, and even in a remote mountain town in Italy. I started googling things like “how to combat burnout,” “what to do if you don’t like your job,” “how do I keep working overtime but not feel like ice cream on a ninety-degree day?” and “does my dog still love me just as much if I don’t have time to play with him every morning?” Somehow, in one of my Google spirals, I came across the concept of “Ikigai.” A Japanese philosophy meaning “reason for being,” Ikigai encompasses finding fulfillment in the intersection of what you love, what you are good at, what the world needs, and what you can be paid for. It asks, “Why do you get up in the morning?” and suggests that your career should be the answer if you’re living your Ikigai. Not only was my job not the reason I woke up in the morning (that honor goes to my two-year-old golden doodle, Nemo), but it was also the reason I hit snooze and rolled back under the covers to hide from the day for a bit longer. So I quit. It wasn’t as simple as that—it took a lot of work and quite a bit of luck, but I ended up redirecting to a new path that fits my lifestyle much better. When thinking about why I get up in the morning, reading was one of the first things to come to mind—I devour several books a week, and nothing makes me happier than a few quiet hours with a coffee and written words—so editorial work felt like an encouraging place to start. Now, I work as an editorial manager for a small company only two miles from my house. I’m doing work that I enjoy with people who I like, and I never work weekends. I’m not sure yet if I’ve found my Ikigai, but my current work allows me to explore what I love while allowing me time to cultivate hobbies and give some thought to what I genuinely enjoy. I’m not alone in my longing for purpose and my need to follow a career path that fits me. A 2021 Gallup report found that 60% of millennials and 57% of Gen Z are open to new job opportunities, with a significant portion saying that their primary driver is the desire for meaningful work. Unlike many boomers, who value financial security above all else, young people today are more likely to leave jobs that don’t provide a sense of purpose or opportunities for personal growth. A 2019 study by MetLife found that 74% of boomers considered financial security and benefits to be the most critical factors in a job, compared to only 54% of millennials. In our culture, we’re expected to choose a career in our early twenties, before we know anything about the world or ourselves, and climb the same ladder forever, seeking prestige and financial gain. But that standard is changing. Young people are choosing to leave their jobs to pursue their dreams, whether that means pivoting to a new career path, going freelance, starting their own business, or traveling. Like me, they are unwilling to put up with poor work-life balance and work that is not meaningful for them. They seek jobs that offer personal fulfillment, align with their values, and provide a sense of purpose. How Do You Find Your Ikigai?So, how do you find your Ikigai? It’s not a one-day revelation but a journey of self-discovery. It requires thought, preparation, and reflection. Here are five steps you can take to work towards your Ikigai. 1. Set aside time for self-reflection.Engage in self-reflection to understand your passions, strengths, and values. Tools like journaling or personality assessments can help clarify what drives you. Use journaling prompts like these: What activities make you lose track of time? What do people often ask for your help with? What are your strengths and talents? When were you the happiest, and why? 2. Experiment.Try different activities, volunteer, or take on side projects to explore your interests and see what resonates with you. Some trial-and-error may be necessary to gather insights into what fulfills you. Here are some options you can explore: Take on new hobbies or volunteer roles. Attend free workshops or community events. Collaborate on projects that interest you. Join an interest group in your community. 3. Set goals and make plans.Consider your passions and strengths and use them to develop actionable goals. Create a roadmap with clear steps to reach these goals. Setting specific goals will enhance your motivation for change and give you something to work toward and look forward to. Try setting SMART goals. That means they’re: Specific Measurable Achievable Relevant Time-Bound 4. Seek feedback.Ask mentors, peers, or professionals in your areas of interest for feedback. Talking to the people who know you best can give you insights into parts of yourself that you may not have noticed, including what lights you up. Talking to people who know the industry you’re interested in can help you decide if it’s right for you before you pivot entirely in that new direction. Consider the following suggestions: Ask your friends and family about their perceptions of your strengths and passions. Ask your boss at work what they feel you do best and what you seem to enjoy. Seek informal mentors who can offer advice and guidance. 5. Embrace continuous learning.Commit to lifelong learning through courses, reading, and other educational activities. Staying curious and open to new knowledge can help you adapt and thrive in your pursuit of purpose. The following books have been helpful to me as I’ve looked for my purpose: Ikigai: The Japanese Secret to a Long, Happy Life by Héctor Garcia and Francesc Miralles Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone by Brené Brown Thing Again: The Power of Knowing What You Don’t Know by Adam Grant Additional Philosophies for a Happy LifeIkigai, at its core, is the search for contentment. As you’re searching for your Ikigai, several other philosophies can help you find fulfillment in your daily life: Hygge is a Danish concept that, according to Country Living, “encompasses a feeling of cozy contentment and well-being through enjoying the simple things in life.” Hygge emphasizes creating a warm atmosphere. It is about finding happiness in everyday moments and fostering community and togetherness. Lagom is a Swedish philosophy that translates to “not too little, not too much, just right.” Lagom encourages a balanced, sustainable lifestyle and making conscious choices that lead to contentment without excess. It’s about finding harmony and satisfaction through simplicity. Friluftsliv translates to “open-air living” and is a Norwegian concept that celebrates outdoor life and nature. Friluftsliv emphasizes the importance of spending time in nature for mental and physical well-being. It encourages outdoor activities and connecting with the natural environment as a source of joy, relaxation, and a sense of purpose. Final ThoughtsI’ve seen firsthand how many young people, me included, are increasingly leaving traditional jobs in search of more fulfilling and flexible careers, fueled by the grind of poor job quality and the longing for personal and professional growth. Embracing concepts like Ikigai has been transformative for me, and it can also be a good reminder for others. By actively seeking our purpose and using strategies to find what truly drives us, we can navigate our career paths with greater clarity and joy. This journey isn’t just about finding a job—it’s about creating a life that resonates with us and what we value most. After all, we only have one life. About Norrie BeachNorrie Beach is a freelance writer and blogger who is passionate about mental health and living a meaningful life. She is always seeking to improve herself and others, and she particularly loves writing about career fulfillment, cultural trends, and making an impact. Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site. “If you do not have needs, you once did.” ~ Marshall Rosenberg When I was born, my mother did not want me. In the northern part of India, there is still a very strong preference for having a male child. A female child is often seen as a burden because of the social and economic traditions of patriarchy. Because of this initial rejection, I became highly sensitive to my parents’ inner worlds. In my deep longing to be loved and accepted, I mastered the subtle art of sensing their needs and feelings, becoming a natural caretaker. I would come back from school and notice my mother’s overwhelmed face. Her days were always busy and full with myriad responsibilities. Before I knew it, I slid into the role of mothering my younger brother. And so, growing up, due to circumstances and adaptation, my favorite thing in the world became making someone feel at home. In my twenties, designing emotionally safe spaces became the core of my work. First as a university teacher and eventually as a wellness coach, I became a professional caretaker. Along with my students, I experienced the deepest textures of fulfillment and intimacy at work. My work became a nest for rebirthing and nurturing. Non-judgment, emotional safety, and warmth were its key tenets. It was an experience of inclusion, ease, and belongingness. One day, I faced the decision to let go of a student who had been emotionally aggressive toward me. I felt fragmented into parts: one part feeling hurt for myself, and the other part feeling care and protectiveness toward the student who had crossed the line. In all honesty, I was more attuned and identified with the latter part. For days, I suffered. I tried to find a way for these parts to coexist, but they couldn’t. I had to face the emotional reality of chaos and discomfort. As they say, if it is hysterical, it must be historical; during this internal churning, I had a significant insight. I realized that my favorite thing originated from my least favorite thing in the world. I never wanted to subject anyone to the experience of feeling emotionally walled out, rejected, homeless, and undesired. This tenderness, stemming from my early childhood experience, made me highly attuned to anyone who might feel similarly. Ironically, in designing a non-hierarchical classroom and workplace where everyone shared power, I was not taking my own needs and feelings into account. I was not listening to my own needs and feelings. To quote the late American psychologist Marshall Rosenberg, “If you do not have needs, you once did.” It awakened me to the awareness that I had learned to neglect my needs to the point where they did not matter as much as someone else’s. This was a learned behavior, an adaptation I made very early in my life. This prevented me from drawing boundaries, even when necessary to protect my vitality and life spark. In trying to embody elements of an emotionally safe home, I was tuned out to my own personal truths, especially the subtle ones. It was through this experience of conflict that I could see the contest between these different parts. In that moment of insight, my heart felt lighter after days of heaviness. I could see the beauty and dignity of my needs again. The part of me that did not receive unconditional acceptance from her primary caretakers had birthed the part that valued deep care and emotional safety for others. I was trying to soothe my grieving part by breathing life into others. From a spiritual dimension, it was beautiful to witness that others were a part of me in this cosmic adaptation. However, in this material realm, it was important to acknowledge separation as a prerequisite for co-existence. My learning was to first breathe life into my own abandoned part, nurturing it back to richness, ease, and wholeness, and then share my gifts from that choiceful place. Another simple question helped me: Every night, why do I lock the door of my apartment? It is to protect my space from strangers. Similarly, for me to embody emotional safety at my workplace, I need to first feel safe. I saw the light and shadow meet at the horizon. Boundaries, which once seemed like rude, disruptive, and violent borders separating people, suddenly felt like love lines inside my body, helping me to love better, richer, and more honestly. Learning to set boundaries was not easy. It required me to slow down and witness uncomfortable truths about my past and present. I had to learn to honestly understand where my giving was coming from and learn to heal and nurture my own grief. It was only when I came in touch with that initial rupture that I could become more capable of giving genuine care and support to others without depleting myself. This journey freed me from my savior syndrome and taught me to be self-compassionate and create a more authentic and nurturing environment for others. Boundaries allowed me to reclaim my sense of self. They became a way for me to define what was acceptable and what was not, to express my limits, and to protect my emotional and mental health. This process also taught me the difference between passion and obsession. Today, I am more attuned to my own needs and feelings. I understand that setting boundaries is an ongoing practice, not a one-time event. It involves continually checking in with myself and adjusting as necessary. This dynamic process has brought more inner peace and honesty in my actions. In essence, my journey of overcoming guilt and shame around drawing boundaries has been an inner journey of healing and integration. It allows me the choice to create a life that honors my personal truths, and in doing so, I am better equipped to support and nurture others in a healthy, sustainable way. About Charnita AroraCharnita is passionate about living in an emotionally safe and authentic world. Before becoming a mom, she was a university teacher, mindfulness author, TEDx speaker, and the founder of a wellness-oriented classroom called Perfect Life Spot. Currently, Charnita offers mindfulness-based personal coaching and courses on developing self-love, emotional intelligence, setting boundaries, and becoming friends with anxiety and anger. All of it can be experienced online on Charnita.com. Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site. |